So, I ripped my pants this morning.

Yep, as I got out of the car, I ripped my jeans. I guess today will be filled with waddling around hoping no one notices this big hole in my thigh. Granted, these pants have been on their last leg for a while, but it is always a blow to the self esteem to rip your pants. Add to that my own mother says "Well it sure does take a lot of pressure to rip jeans!" Yeah, shes real supportive. Now I have to go jeans shopping, which will also make me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe I should have a drink first. Ugh.

And now, as I am whining about ripping my pants, I am really starting to feel guilty about my workouts. I have not worked out in 5 days. That is bad. I need to get back on it, I just get distracted, and make excuses. BUT, I have been under my calories every day still, so that just adds to the "well, I do not HAVE to work out today since I am under" excuse.

BUT, I made a delicious low calorie dinner last night. Well, it is supposed to be low calorie. I am still questioning it, since it was clearly too delicious to be healthy. I got the recipe from my new favorite website ever, skinnytaste.com. This girl is a genius.

Skinny Baked Broccoli Macaroni and CheeseSkinnytaste.com
Servings: 8 • Serving Size: 1 cup • Old Points: 6 pts • Points+: 8 pts
Calories: 314.9 • Fat: 9.8 g • Protein: 17.7 g • Carb: 44.3 g • Fiber: 6.3 g • Sugar: 4 g
Sodium: 215.7 (without salt) 

Ingredients:

• 12 oz high fiber elbows like Ronzoni Smart Taste
• 1 tbsp butter
• 1 tbsp light butter
• 1/4 cup flour
• 1/4 cup minced onion
• 2 cups skim milk
• 1 cup fat free chicken broth (vegetarians use vegetable broth)
• 8 oz (2 cups) Sargento shredded reduced fat sharp cheddar
• salt and fresh pepper to taste
• 12 oz fresh broccoli florets (I used pre-cut bag)
• 1/8 cup grated parmesan
• 1/4 cup seasoned bread crumbs
• cooking spray

Directions:


Cook pasta and broccoli together in a large pot of salted water, according to package directions for al dente (or slightly under cook 2 minutes). Spray a baking dish with cooking spray. Preheat oven to 375°. In a large, heavy skillet, melt butters. Add onion and cook over low heat about 2 minutes, add flour and cook another minute, or until the flour is golden and well combined. Add milk and chicken broth and whisk, raising heat to medium-high until it comes to a boil; cook about 5 minutes or until the sauce becomes smooth and thick. Season with salt and pepper.
Once the sauce is thick, remove from heat, add cheese and mix well until cheese is melted. Adjust salt and pepper to taste, add cooked macaroni and broccoli and mix well. Pour into prepared baking dish. Top with grated cheese and breadcrumbs. Spray a little more cooking spray on top.

Bake for 15-20 minutes, then broil for a few minutes to get the breadcrumbs golden.

Here is how ours turned out

Kind of  a crappy picture, but it was Delicious none the less, and so filling. I also tried brown rice noodles instead of the whole wheat, and they were really good! Less calories than regular noodles, but they have a good flavor. I think tonight I might try skinnytastes baked ziti and spinach, since we have the biggest bag ever of spinach that we need to use. Costco does that to you.

I feel like a fool.

Warning: Mopey post ahead.

I am feeling the worst I have felt in a while. I usually try to see the positive in everything, but at this point, I see nothing at all to happy about.

I bought a new scale today. I have been using my Wii scale, which I have always known is not the most accurate, but I figured it might be a couple pounds off. I stepped on my scale and it said I was 24 (TWENTY FREAKING FOUR) pounds more than my last weigh in. I know it is not physically possible for me to gain 24 pounds in 6 days, but now I am at a loss with where to move forward. I guess the only okay thing about this situation is that I do believe the Wii tracked my progress, even though the number was way WAY off, so at least I can still pretend like I really did lose 11 pounds. I knew it was too good to be true that I was almost halfway to my goal without even noticing a difference in my clothes.

I feel really, really dumb that I have to reset my weight in myfitnesspal, make a new ticker for here, and show everyone my REAL weight, instead of my glorified Wii feel good weight. I am not going to lie, I cried about it for a few minutes, but really, what is there for me to do except continue on? I never wanted to be at this weight, and I just hope this gives me a big swift kick in the ass instead of making me throw myself into a bowl of chips.

If anyone has any advice for me or just wants to make fun of me for being so gullible, feel free.

Diet derailing?

Weekends are hard on me. I used to sit and watch TV and eat my weight in potato chips and now I get really anxious wanting to eat everything in sight. So what did I do? I cooked! I have my friends little brothers birthday party tonight, and I always love to make something fun, unique, and good for every party that I go to. Today I decided to make a "chocolate peanut butter pie." Yes, I know, not diet food, at all, but I am just going to try not to eat it. Or maybe just one little sliver...

Definitely not diet conscious. I used an oreo cookie crust, peanut butter/powdered sugar layer, fat free chocolate pudding layer, and a fat free cool whip layer (cool HHWHIP anyone?) topped with chopped reeses cups. MMMM.

But, to not totally derail all of my progress, I made myself a sweet low calorie treat to hopefully get it out of my system before I eat the whole pie.

Yummy. Fat Free chocolate pudding with low fat cool whip for only 200 calories. Healthy and a great way to satisfy that craving without going overboard. I always like to put it in a nice glass so I feel fancy.

So hopefully tonight will not be the death of my diet, I am determined to keep going. I cannot believe we are HALFWAY through P90X now! It really is amazing. I didn't weight myself before the start of all of this, but I guessed on a weight that I knew I was at one point, and from that estimate, I have lost 11 pounds. Yes, ELEVEN POUNDS. I still am not sure I believe it, but I will take an eleven pound weight loss any day.

Hey now Sunny Anderson

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/sunny-anderson/baked-zucchini-recipe/index.html

I was so proud of myself for inventing a recipe and now Sunny went and stole it. How rude.

Okay, probably not. I highly doubt Sunny reads my blog (HI SUNNY!!) but it was pretty funny when Matt and I were watching TV and this came on. I was telling everyone who would listen to me about my new creation. Lame, party of me.

MMMMMM

MMMM last night H said I made the best dinner ever. I have to agree. And it was really really healthy.

Our favorite place is benihana, but it does not always agree with our wallets or our waistlines, so we hardly ever get it. About a year ago, I tried to recreate their magical yummy mustard sauce since it is so so yummy and actually makes me want to eat chicken instead of just tolerating chicken. Some trials have gone well, some not so well, but last night it was amazing. So we had chicken breast, zucchini, and white onions, with mustard sauce for dinner. It was amazing and tasted just like we were at benihana. I was so proud of myself and H could not stop telling me how good it was. I wish I would have taken a picture of all this gloriousness, but I was too hungry to stop for a second. It looked similar to this, without the beef, but it looked EXACTLY like benihana, we were both so amazed.

Basically, I just cubed the chicken, and cooked it in a pan with a little garlic, sesame seeds, salt and pepper, and a little bit of butter. With the veggies, I did the same. I cooked the chicken for about 15-20 minutes and the veggies about 10-15 minutes. Here is the recipe for the sauce I made. http://www.food.com/recipe/Benihana-Magic-Mustard-Sauce-25351

• 1 tablespoon sesame seed, crushed and toasted
• 3 tablespoons dry mustard
• 2 tablespoons hot water
• 3/4 cup soy sauce
• 1/4 clove garlic, crushed
• 3 tablespoons heavy cream, whipped

You basically throw everything except the cream in the blender and blend it well. Then stir in the cream and serve. 

 I think I used a little less dry mustard since that stuff is really pungent, but it came out great.

On another note, weekends are so hard for me to work out! We did about a half hour of yoga since that was all we could take on Saturday. How sad is it that we are so out of shape we cannot do yoga? Pretty sad. That stuff is so hard. But we were only able to do like 10 minutes of it before, so we are happy. Also Sunday was such a lazy day, I could only drag myself off of the couch for 15 minutes of the workout. How lazy of me! But, I kept in my calories so I guess that helps.

Well, that was unpleasant.

32 days in! Yay! Ready for 30 day progress pictures! Yay!

NO. Those pictures did not come out well. At all. I didn't really notice any difference and of course Matt looks great. He still has a long way of course, but at least he had a noticable differnece! I am slightly jealous of him. But oh well, today is a new day, and I am bound a determined to make this work. I have noticed I do not have that jiggly boob/ armpit fat anymore, which is great, so I just have to tweak my expecations a little bit and hopefully next month will yeild better results.

After talking to some wonderful ladies yesterday, I realize that I may not have had the best results since I might not be eating enough. I have cheated, of course, but mainly I will stay around 1400-1500 calories, BUT I am also working off a ton with the workouts, and not refueling enough. So I have to start watching my diet more closely and tracking dilligantly. I need more protien so I am off to the store tonight to get some supplies.

Also, Matt got us fancy new heart rate moniters for an early birthday present and they have been eye opening! We have only used them twice so far, but I worked 500-something the first day with strength training and 640 yesterday with the cardio! I was shocked. I though I had done it wrong, but looking around online that seems like an average amount for P90X workouts. Its hardcore.

My arms really hurt from the month 2 arm workout, but its a good hurt of course. Goodbye boob fat, hello bikini...well.. someday.

One step forward, two steps back.

I have been feeling less motivated lately, even though we have still been working out. I am kind of in a slump, we are now 30 days into our P90X and I do not feel any different. There was a few days where I felt thinner, but now I feel like I gained it back or something. I hate that my weight can define how I feel in my day to day life.

We had a party at my house this weekend, and I felt like I had a really cute outfit. My friends love to take pictures and always want a girl picture. Bad idea. I hate pictures, I really really despise them. The pictures are so unflattering for me, and I feel especially whale-like when I am sandwiched between my thin friends. I felt so bad after I saw those pictures. I went straight to my room and put on my stretchy pants. It is still hard for me to see myself at this size, and see how tight the clothes are fitting me.

I am really in a slump and I want to get out. I was doing so well (mentally at least) and that really helps to stay motivated. I think we might take our 30day progress pictures tonight so hopefully that will not bum me out more. I have thought once or twice about posting them on here to make myself continue to move forward, but I am not sure I have the strength yet. I was really hoping to see more of a difference at this point.

Oh well, I am done being a debbie downer for right now. It is easy to stay down and get off track, but it is much harder to continue on even if I am feeling bad today.

"If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end"
- Julius Erving